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Friday, February 17th, 2006
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Thursday, February 9th, 2006
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So I have written down all the numbers of all you wonderful people. First step, buy phone card, and then phone call wackiness will as always ensue. I loves that phone wackiness. Awww Samir writes the nice things. I mush all over you too dude, in the most platonic way possible. I will call I swear on my ... something. I will buy a phone card tonight. Mari, I want to be your cow's friend, so we, in unison, can break the swing, and being cows, never right ourselves. And then take pictures of the upside down cows and make a witty lj icon about it. Hi Brandon, so surprised and delighted I was to see the writings of you.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
This what happened to me today in GED school, verbatim, no exaggerations, the sworn truth.
Pre-cursor: With Everyone having an IQ of a heavy immobile object, like a barrel of cement or 'Fat Joe' (it's okay, he's a rapper) Lake City predictably has an extremely high birth rate for mothers under 18. Lake City's birth control methods seem to be "Get pregnant now so you don't have to worry about getting pregnant for 9 months" This being said, one of the 16 year-old mothers in my class, Summer, turned around in her desk of which I happened to be sitting behind and said the following. Again none of this has been fictionalized, or exaggerated in anyway. This is the exact stream of unconsciousness that came out of her mouth:
Dumb Bitch: Is that blood? (gesturing towards my necklace)
Myself: Yes
DB: Whose is it?
Me: Someone's
DB: Is it your mom's?
Me: No
DB: Did you kill her?
Me: What? Did I kill my mother? NO!
DB: Is it your Dad's?
Me: No
DB: Did you kill him?
Me: NO!
DB: Is is your brother's
Me: No
DB: Did you kill Him?
Me: NO! Are you seriously asking me this?
She continues unfased
DB: Is it your boyfriend's?
Me: No. I don't have a boyfriend.
DB: Did you kill him?
Me: No.....
I tried to go back to doing my work.
DB: Oh I know. Is it Marilyn Manson's.
Me: No, no, no
DB: Is it Metallica's?
Me: Dear god no.
DB: Is it KISS's
Me: What? Oh, the band. And also no.
DB: Is it Green Day's?
Me: Look it's no one famous okay.
Again deeply disturbed by this unashamed blatantly irresponsible stupidity, I tried to go back to my work.
DB: I oh I got it. Is it your girlfriend's?
Me: Yes.
DB: Oh....
Sure she'll ask me 20 fucking questions from the mind of the amoeba but tell her I'm a dyke (which by the way, fucking DUH!) And she shuts the fuck up.
And as if that wasn't a laugh riot, which it definetly fucking was. I can't tell if this is more funny. Again all true.
I walked into my homeroom and the new hillbilly girl in class who hadn't seen me before stare at me and proceeded to do the 'Holy Trinity' hand gesture-y thing and kissed her cross. Dead fucking serious. I couldn't help but laugh, which I'm sure just reinforced her notion that I was the Anti-Christ.
I Hate this town.
Much love and goodnight.
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, February 2nd, 2006
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So, I'm at work and I miss everybody. I miss Jorgey, I miss Mikey, I miss Samir,I miss Mari, Eli, Chevaun, Max... And for what it's worth, I miss Josh. Alea please call. We are going to fucking Germany and we need information. Kindra and I both have monday off. Jorgenson call PLEASE! I don't have anyone's numbers any more because I suck, so if if any of you want to contact Kindra, that fagot we live with, Steven, or myself do send an electronic mail message please. I do miss you all very much. I fucking HATE this town.
Much missing and love
K pound
I apologize for that sincerely
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Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.
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I'm writing in LJ.... I must be depressed
So it's mmy birthday to the minute infact. I've been crying for the last hour. I spent the day working at home with my mother to party down with. She bought me a lot of things I wanted that I picked out and I really appriciate it don't get me wrong but I was hoping for a bit more. I only have a birthday once a year and well, most people have friends who come to celebrate with you. I guess even in the simplist of things I can't be like other people.
Jorgey called which was nice, and so did Kindra. But not Steven, not the person who could have been here with me. I see him almost everyday and the one day that he decides he doesn't want to talk to me is today. I told myself that it didn't matter, that I was being selfish and conceeded in thinking that maybe my best friend stop by or call or even god forbid make me a present. I still feel as though I'm in the wrong for thinking I deserve a memento to remember this day by, but I didn't tink that just making a call was asking too much.
He's supposed to be my best friend and nothing. Jorgey got me something, the one person who owes me nothing in any sense got me a present. I got stuck in a ditch last night in the snow and he was ready to brave it to come find me. Luckily I got a tow truck, but he would have went looking for me if I hadn't. I know Kindra would've to if see had the means to do so but Jorgey actually cared enough about my sorry ask to risk sliding in a ditch himself to find me. I never realized how much I take him for granted.
I miss Josh, I miss him so much. He cared about me. And I miss Mikey too. I feel so bad because I never talk to him. I know it's a half assed excuse but I don't do it intentionally. I feel so bad because he doesn't have many friends, I'm not saying that I do, but Mikey was there when I needed him and I tried to be there for him too. He cared about me.
I remember a few Decembers ago I stayed up all night crying. It was during the time that Kindra was riping my heart out, stomping on it and laughing all the while. I wanted to die every day during that winter. But this one particular night I wasn't actually upset about the Kindra , I watched the sunrise and for the first time during those months I didn't think about her. I watched the sun rise in tears and thought about one person.
I loved him. I didn't know it then but I realize it now. It's the only thing that even came close to the feelings that started to develop when I met Kindra. He was safe and he held me when I cried. He was the first person that ever made me feel like I deserved to live, that I wasn't the only person who hated everything and actually got "it". He made me feel like what I had to say wasn't stupid, that my opinions and thoughts were valid, that wasn't some monster undeserving of any kind of positive attention. And I was very much in love with him.
Looking back on it, amidst the sheer unbridled hate I had for Tamera for destroying the person I cared about so much, there was also jealousy. I's not like I wanted to be with him, or maybe I did, I really don't know, but more than that it was me wanting to show him how amazing he was, to show him that someone could love him and not destroy him as a person. I wanted him to realize that we could have been happy together, perhaps in another life. But hey folks, before you question anything, I am reeeeeeeeally gay and when I was having these thoughts the sex aspect of any relationship we could of had never entered my mind.
And then he left. He left me without a mentor, without any guidance, without a friend, without anyone that cared about me. For a long time I told myself I wouldn't forgive him for leaving lost and alone. I hated him. And then out of the blue he comes back.
I helped him lose the bitch, and I was so exstatic. I was so happy that he was back that I didn't see anything else. He expects me to be fine, that what happened is in the past and there's no need to worry about it. He thinks that because I told him that. In reality, without the half truths, it's not okay. I was just starting to recover from his, what I considered to be, betrayal and he comes back tear the newly healed wounds open again and I'm supposed to be fine. I was alone again, and hooray, it was on my birthday.
I love my mother and I'm so happy she was here to be with me today but it's not quite the same as having a friend with you. I needed him, or really just anyone who would pretend that they cared about me, but preferebly him. I needed him and he wasn't here.
I cried, well balled actually on the phone with Kindra. I felt so sick inside. The only person who thought about me on my birthday this year was Jorgey. He got me a present which he shouldn't have done, and he called and hopefully he will be here soon. Kindra really couldn't do a whole lot and it's not as though I'm upset with anyone about the lack of material things on this joyous aniversarre of mine. STEVEN left me when I needed him the most, AGAIN.
Jesus even Alea told me happy birthday. Which brings up another self-inflicting-wound worthy thought. About a month or so ago was going to see Kindra as I usually do and I asked Steven if he wanted to come along, and then jokingly and smart assedly I said, "but Alea won't be ther so you won't want to come" his response. "yeah you're right"
Anyway Kindra's here no and nothing else matters.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
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Bwah ha ha. Kelly left herself signed into lj at my house, so there. ^_^
~Mikey
P.S. I'm not doing anything malicious if that's what anyone is thinking.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, December 24th, 2004
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Uaallllllgh
I've decided it takes to much effort and dedication, both of which I lack, to spy on someone. Spy? I would kick my own ass for the use of such James Bond terminology if I wasn't so lazy. I suppose it's more of a confirmation investigation. But, as I've said before, I'm far too lazy. So I've gone back to the ways of life I know and love: Passing un-fair judgments and making unfair, unfounded, wild aqusations. Ah well......
I'm jealous, and selfish, and I want sex all the time. Whine bitch piss and moan.
My life is full of self-defeating hipocracies which I choose not to correct. Mostly because I love lethargy, and trying to change is hard.
But,
I love Kindra
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Friday, November 19th, 2004
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I really wanna hear Kindra's voice. I would call at 7:30 but it probably wouldn't be very good. I'm reading all her old LJ entries and decided to post before I got depressed. I love her. Can't say it enough. I read all the Julie parts and I get angry, I read th me parts and want to die. Meh.
I really love her.
I'm not cool, or suave, or smart, or attractive, I don't speak another language, shit I can barely talk english, I know nothing about anime, I have no skills, I'm not artsy.....
But it's friday I'm in love. *smile*
I lo-o-o-ove (attempt at writing staggered whiney voice) Kindra.
Kindra, KiNdRa, KINDRA, kInDrA..... I'll stop know.
I feel like I should be in school writting in a spiral notebook "Mrs. Kelly Flavin" a million times. *float-y-heart-y-thing-ys around head*
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Retraction. Answer to previous question:
What do I want more than anything?
Kindra
Hear her laugh, her noises of camels and cries of puffin, her eyes, her skin her smell.
I want my sex bucket. Sher-puffin needs sex bucket!
Status:
Moment of bi-polar depression supressed. Manic state re-activated. Love for Kindra at full capacity. Moment of stupid, insecure irational train of thought: eliminated.
I love Kindra soooo much. Mmmmm *melty noise* mmmmmmm. Ki-n-dr-a need girlfriend.
Ain't manic depression fun?
I'm all whine-y in da head now. I whine for my love. *WHINE*
Let's see, what shall I do for the 9 1/2 hours till I get to be whole with my love again?
Sleep?
Play DMC?
I LOVE KINDRA. duh
peas
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I think... no.
I made a deal with myself and told Kindra, doubt if she remembers, that if I hadn't gotten (fuck it I can't say this without being a cock box) not fat by Aprill 11th I was going to Florida for 6 months.
Progress: None
I feel very odd currently. One of those times where in the golden age of Steven and I, a park would be destroyed. Two kids, with no sleep, angry at the world and it's social jumble of incredible disgust, who just watched SLC Punk!, can do a lot of damage.
It's 5 in the morning, and I'm angry, but no one's here. No one to wreak havoc with. No one to hate the world with. No one.
Just one of those times I suppose. When the chill from the outside won't go away because it's fused to your bones and it feels like all the cigarettes in the world won't do a damn thing.
It was this time last year I was reading Kindra's words, only a year. 1 year since she ripped my heart out and smashed it till there was nothing left but a puddle of fluids. 1 year ago when I experienced the worst emotional pain I had ever felt. 1 year ago I was writing about how much I missed Steven and how much I loved Kindra. Nostalgia always comes in winter. Depression, hurt, the visualizing of memories that feel like yesterday.... Winter.
I'm so..... nothing. Just dead, depressed, not earth compentent, I don't know. I feel like a semi could hit me and I'd just shrug. Fuck it, I'm having a very fuck-it-all dawn. I keep asking myself what I want, not in the future-grand-scheme way, but now, this second, what do I want?
Nothing.
Nothing in all of the world can I think of to want. And it's not as though that feeling is derived from contentment, it's from loss. I am completely lost right now. I feel nothing, I crave nothing, desire, want, need.... nothing. And it's scary, really fucking scary because I know what the answer should be, I know what I should want, I know what I would say any other time.
But tonight I can't honestly answer the question of "What would I love more than anything right now?" with my usual reply.
And that is terrifying.
I'm going to have a ciggarette and watch the sunrise.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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But first a rundown:
Still no job, no money, no car, no education, and definitely no motivation to pursue any of the aforementioned. Oh well, I'll try again in the spring when the seasonal depression goes away.
In other current idiocies:
Kindra call me when you get home and please do NOT smoke that shit until we figure this out.
I am doing a pseudo re-con to discover a possible "something" about someone but as of yet there doesn't seem much to be discovered. I am sure patience will yield melons. If "something" [and I use " " (writing 'quote marks' is too hard) because I have no idea what may occur it's just generalizing the already vague 'something' but with a dark intent behind the 'something'] does indeed happen, which I fully believe will, this person is well, mean ..and ....stuff. NEVERTHELESS something is going on and I WILL find out. Ha haha HAHAHA ...
I hate me.
Baby call me so I can pick you up after school and we can dance about the town before treading up to my lair and have naked time.
I love you pie intestine.
meeEEaat
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Thursday, November 11th, 2004
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Favorites
Genre: Nearly everything but pop, country, and rap
Band: APC, Tool, MuDvAyNe, Slipknot, Kittie, Static-X, Mira......
Solo artist: NIN, Tori Amos, Sarah McLaclan,
Singer: Maynard James Keenan, Mira
Guitarists: Kurt Cobain
Bassists: The guy frome MuDvAyNe sweet Jesus
Drummers: Danny Carrey (tool) Joey Jordinson (Slipknot)
Keyboardists/pianists: Tori Amos, Trent Reznor, Sarah McLachlan
Radio Station: 99.9
Music Channel: FUSE
Record label: Nothing
Concert: APC at Redrocks
Local Band: N/A
Movie soundtrack: Queen of the Damned
If you had to pick 10 songs to be the
soundtrack of your life, what songs would you pick?
1. Vermillion pt. 2 - Slipknot
2. Patient Mental - Mudvayne
3. Orestes - APC
4. Pushing You Away - Static-X
5. Something I can never have - NIN
6. Epiphany - Staind
7. Sober - Tool
8. In the Shadow of the Valley of Death - Marilyn Manson
9. My December - Linkin Park
10. Perfect Girl - Sarah McLachlan
If you could meet and spend a day with any singer/musician, who would it
be and why?: MAYNARD JAMES KEENAN
What was the last?
CD you bought: Mira
Song you heard: Um some technoe thiongy
Song you sang: Imagine - APC
Concert you went to: MArilyn Manson
Miscellaneous questions
Do you make mix tapes/CDs?: Yup
What do you use to download music on your computer?: WinMX, Limewire
Name past favorite singers/bands/groups: Hmmmmm Alanis Morisette
Do you sing in the shower?: Nah
Do you play any instruments?: Bass, guitar
What bands have you recently discovered that you love?: Most recent would have to be the opening band for Manson
What CD do you plan on buying next?: Buying? Obtaining: Kittie - Until the End
What concert do you want to go to?: The Kittie show I miss last week MuDvAyNe
Who would you be and why?: Jesus, So I could strangle myself in the womb
If you were a musician
What kind of music would you play?: rockish-goth-industrial-alternative-metal
What instrument would you play?: bass
Would you sing?: Sing? maybe. scream like an idiot? definetly
Who would be in your band and what would they play?: Kindra: Lead Vocals, Me: Bass and idiot screams. Alea: lead guitar and Alternate Vocals, Ryan: Drums
What would your band be called?: Reticulating Muffin
Why?: Go fuck yourself
What would you call your first album?: Religion, Government and other lies
Would you want to be on MTV?: Would you like to have some anus?
Who would you tour with?: APC, and NIN
If you were putting together a huge tour with 10 other bands, what would
the theme of the tour be and what bands would you pick?:
Theme: Good Bagel
1. Slipknot
2. Kittie
3. Tool
4. NIN
5. Mudvayne
6. Mira
7. Lacuna coil
8. Tori Amos
9. Placebo
10. The cranberries
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I'm in such a mood of wonder. I'm happy, genuinely uplifting optimisticly happy, and so horribly depressesd.
I went with Jorgey to FT. Collins at midnight with an extremely flaming, lud gay boy and his friend uber gay. Names: Nathan and ,,, um DARON! When we got to what was to be our destination there were 3 very buff looking straight men there. Or so I thought. They were gay too. So much for my gaydar. I watch two of the uber swear-to-god-straight-but-actually-gay boys (Shawn and Gabe) Play insanely drunk darts with the aforementioned three boys I was with. After nearly 2 hours of sitting silently and watching the other straight but not boy phill was dine working at the bar/coffe shop we were inhabiting so we went outside and smoked so pot. I got a whole 2 hits. So not stoned and dissapointed that I wasn't drunk either, we went back home. I realized shortly after getting in the car to go home I was a bit more stoned than I had previously thought. After we dropped of Nath and Daron (Nathan was reaaly cute&flamey Kindra woulda liked him) Jorgey and I went home. And then it hit me
An overwhelming sense of something. I was thinking about nothing and everything, I was in mental anguish but uphoric, enlightened but afraid, optomistic but totaly lost. My mind was and is currently racing. Thinking without proceesing, feeling without emotion. I feel like there is a part of my brain that even I am unable to unlock conciously, something missing a frogment that is there but hidden. Is it the answer? If when unearthed is it all that I will become? Is it the unlocked potential that will lead to my goals being fufilled?
Glimpses and fragments of the matter in my head being pissed away.
I thought about Kindra alot, but I always do. I think it's the time of year though, the nostalgia. It was last winter when I was at my lowest, when I fell in love for the first and only time, when I was abused, depressed, hurt lost confused and alone. I looked into the sky, darkened from the absence of sunlight but made a different shade from the weatther. The sheer beauty of it. The Sky and th light of the city as we drove through the brilliant night. Beautiful things always make me think of her.
I saw a future so clear I could taste the air. The future I want for myself so badly the future I want for us.
I thought about her and felt hurt and shame. Does she really know the capaity of my love for her? I feel as though I won't ever be able to express it. I still take note of every nuance of her being. It still make me smile whenever I hear her voice. It still takes my breath away every time I see her, like the first time I saw her.
The marks, the scars, the heart, the brain, the skin, the wonderful imperfections,the way she's disgusting, her smile her eys, her touch........ Every second I love her even more. And tonight when I thought About the only woman I'll every truly love until my soul burns out of exsistence I felt horrible guilt.
Does she know I see it aal, that I lovet ever fiber? That I'm greatful for her more than I can ever be told? Do I teel her enough? Does she know?
Hmmm.
Damn I love that girl. I hope she's feelong better.
I'm a liitle stoned and quite ponderous. And in love.
I was going to go through spell check but fuck it. Original stoned grammar is way more funnier.
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Wednesday, October 13th, 2004
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I need Kindra...
I don't know what happened. Slighty enlghtening epiphany and then....
I hurt. I ache. I need. I'm cold.
She's the only thing, the only one. It's only been two days and I can feel that my soul is split. She makes me whole. She heals me.
I'm raw. I'm broken.
You make this all go away.
She is everything to me. I need only a day to reel from the loss of her. Her touch, her smell, her pressence.
I can't. I know. I need....
I love you
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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I'm fat, I'm lazy, I have no motivation, I do nothing all day and I have nothing to show for myself.
My mother works 40 hours a week, cleans the house, does the laundry makes dinner and I do nothing. I hate being such a drain. She works her ass off to make my life the best she can make it. Our one bedroom apartment that she has struggle to pay for. And all I do is waste her money and dirty the place. She tries so hard while I sit on my ass.
Tomorrow, today rather, I'm going to look for a job. So be it if I end up working for a burger joint again, it's money, it means we pay the rent. I have a forty dollar ticket I have to pay for in 7 days or I go to court. I can't pay it as of yet. Brandon graciously offered to help but I don't want his money. He works every day to earn that money, it shouldn't just be handed to me.
I'm sick of the way I look, I'm sick of being a lazy fuck-up that contributes nothing. You can't afford to do nothing when you have nothing. Of course I could have it a lot worse. I have clothes and a bedroom/kitchen/living room/dining room to call my own, and I'm not ever hard up for something I desperatley need. This isn't a 'pity me' thing, this is a 'I need a kick in the skull' thing.
I don't want my mom to have to kill herself to pay the rent, I don't want to piss everything I have away, I don't want to have to beg for money from my friends cuz I'm too lazy to do anything, I don't want to be this anymore.
I'm worried, about what'll happen if I don't do something soon, worried enough to actually do something about it for once. It's not as though I wanna be rich, I just wish I didn't need to worry about it all anymore. I just want my family, my friends and my love to be okay. To not have to strain to live anymore. It shouldn't be this hard for mom, for any of them. I can do something about it, it's just taken too long to realize it.
I want to be the child mom wanted, I want to be stable. I'm gonna try, I'm gonna try really hard to make it okay again.
Today I Will go to workforce and look for jobs. I will go to CDC to see how I go about starting my welding class. Today I will not consume sugary/greasy shit that's going to kill me. I want to change.
I have to grow up, I have to start today.
I want to work a steady job to support Kindra through school. I want to buy a house so we can raise a family. I don't want us to have to worry about money. I want my mom to live in a quaint little house where the only work she'll have to do is make her stupid little crafts shit all day. I want to grow-old with the love of my life. I just want it to be okay. Is that to much to ask?
So that was my epiphany: stop being fat and lazy. Epic no?
...but then again I always have these epiphanies and never commit.
This all was going to be a lot more eloquent but I got sleepy.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, August 15th, 2004
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Kindra and I had our first real yelling fight. Shortened version:
Friday night
She went to her ex-girlfriends where she has a history with two of the people there. I got over myself and realized that wasn't a big deal it was in the past. She was supposed to call me but she never did. I stayed up till 5am waiting.
Saturday night
She was supposed to babysit in Boulder and I wanted to pick her up because I moved some things around in my schedule to make that possible. I called her house assuming she'd be there before she went to Boulder. No answer. When I called later (I was at work by the way) her mom answered and said that she was still at her ex's. I got the number and called only to find out she wasn't there either. She was at Stefen's (sp?) house. I've heard of this boy but I've never met hime. I called his cell phone, he was very nice. I asked for Kindra and yelled about how she wasn't where she said she would be. I had to go being at work and all so I told her to call me back. She never did. I called Stefen's cell again and he gave me the number to his apartment. 3 numbers I had to get just to talk to my girlfriend because she never called... Kindra would've stopped at the first.
I called the apartment, a girl answered and I asked for Kindra. I yelled about her not calling me back. She was stoned out of her mind. I told her to call me when she felt like it. I couldn't wait for her, because I knew she wouldn't call, So when I got to Mikey's I called her and welled some more. I told her that I wanted her to call me later but that I knew she wouldn't because she didn't love me. I told her that..... She never called
I it hurts, it hurts a lot. To me that says, 'you're right. I don't love you'
So what I was angry about, what we fought about, was first she was supposed to be in Boulder, and I really wanted to see her. But that was no big deal. When I called Stefen's cell the first time all I knew ALL, was that Kindra was at Stefen's apartment with people I don't know, him included, a person that she had slept with before was there not to mention two other lesbians (I found that out after) and she was stoned. And When I said 'where does this guy live I wanna come over after work' her response was, 'why?, don't come over here'
....
Okay let's form this in a hypathetical shall we?
You're FIANCEE is at a party stoned off her ass when the last you heard she was "babysitting". You know none of the people she's with except for the one you know she's slept with (drunk or not you still had sex) you say you're coming over, because you want to see her because you love her. She says no all shade-y like. No like 'I'm doing something I shouldn't be don't come over' What would you think?
She said:
1. if she were in my position she would be fine with it
2. she said I was over-reacting
3. that I was being a parent.
Okaaay
1. You're right Kindra, you would be fine if the scenario was reversed because you don't give a fuck about us or our relationship which you made abundantly clear last night,
2. Over-reacting? Any other person that was in a (supposed) monogamous relationship would have done the same thing I did if they loved the other person. You wouldn't of but I already know your feelings.
3. The reason parents gwt mad when the don't know who their children are with or where they are or what they're doing is because they love their kid and want them to be safe. So I guess I was being a parent. I'm sorry for caring. I'm sorry for loving you.
I didn't tell her I loved her once last night. But how can I love, be in-love with and spend my life with someone who doesn't love me?
I told her to call me last night. I told her to call me when she wanted to talk to me. She hasn't called and I know she won't because she doesn't care. Fuck.... I'm crying. It hurts so much that to know she won't call because she infact doesn't give a damn about me. All I wanted was to see her and she got upset, couldn't understand why I would want to. I understand. I understand because I love her. I understand because she doesn't love me.
I'm always fighting and trying everything I know just to be with her. She doesn't even call me unless I beg her to. I work so I have money for us, so I can spend time with her. She gets angry when I want to see her.
So it's up to her now. If she want's to stay with me she'll call. But just like I knew she wouldn't last night, I know she won't know. I love you Kindra, and when it's over I'll stay away I just need to hear your voice one more time.
Great I'm balling like an infant and I have to go to work.
So I guess this is good-bye, and no I'm not breaking up with you. you're killing what we have by not wanting to talk to me I just assume you're going to avoid it rather than flat out breaking up with me.
I'll bring the cat by when she has her stitches out. I'll make sure you're not home before I come by.
I love you. I just wish you could've felt the same.
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To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold utopian dream
You do something to me that I can't explain
So would I be out of line if I said
I miss you?
I see your picture
I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine
You have only been gone ten days
But already I'm wasting away
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon
But I need you to know that I care
And I miss you
I want my Kindra. *WHINE OF INSANE PROPORTIONS* I want my sex bucket. I want my pillow boobs. I want to nuggle. I want to kiss. I want my girlfriend.
....and in other news.....
Samir's a hippie! *dances* He bought me a bra that makes my boobs look really hot.
I loves my Kindra.
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Stupid fucking contradictory thingy. Kissing skill level 2% yet - "Why they hate you" because you kiss better than them. O_o I do like the 71% sex skill thing. And besides, Kindra thinks I kiss well.
*Sigh* Kindra....
I miss you so much. Please come home. Please. *whimper*
I love you.
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07/07/2004 Chicago Illinois House of Blues
07/08/2004 Milwaukee Wisconsin The Rave
07/09/2004 Minneapolis Minnesota The Quest
07/10/2004 Springfield Missouri Rockwell
07/11/2004 Wichita Kansas The Club
07/13/2004 Oklahoma City Oklahoma Bricktown Live
07/14/2004 Dallas Texas Trees
07/17/2004 San Antonio Texas White Rabbit
07/21/2004 Houston Texas The Engine Room
07/23/2004 New Orleans Louisiana House of Blues
07/25/2004 Lake Buena Vista Florida House of Blues
07/30/2004 North Myrtle Beach South Carolina House of Blues
07/31/2004 Washington D.C. 9:30 Club
It's things like this that make me truly hate the world.
What do these dates and obvious passing over of Denver Colorado mean? That a band I idolize and love nearly as much as Maynard is touring for the firt time in 3 years and they are not coming here.
I am going to mis Kittie because I have no way to get to Kansas.
I hate this world and it's injustices.
I love Kindra.
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| How to make a shadowed_entity |
Ingredients:
1 part mercy
3 parts ambition
5 parts leadership |
Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Top it off with a sprinkle of emotion and enjoy! |
Personality cocktailFrom Go-Quiz.comHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *reads again* HAHAHAHAHA I'm a pitty-ing ambitious leader. *wipes tear from eye from laughter* perhaps in my youth. Saw Maynard at red rocks ... ... ... Well how do you describe the voice of god at a setting fit to hold it? Unfortunately I don't remember all of it. But I do know that Kindra is hot and is throw-me-against-a-wall-and-fuck-me-till-I-s cream sexy when she's at a concert fit for Olympia. Yeah. WednesdayI am waking up naked in my loves arms and having sex till 5...... Unless she says no. I'm done. *shlick shlick*
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...this song makes me cry
SO I haven't written cuz of menial things like work, but really I haven't written of out lethargy. But I'm inspired so be prepared for a rant.
I've been thinking and though that usually means trouble, it's been good. Iwas thinking about manogamy and how I could be nothing but monogamous. It's not that I dislike people that are polyamorous I just don't understand how they can have 'many loves' as the word states. I think it stems from what love means or rather entails, to me at least.
Devotion; utter and complete. When you are truly in-love with someone they are always your first priority, always their needs are put before yours. You devote your soul and heart to a person.
Comfort; a sense of such contentment that nothing said is taboo or shouldn't be mentioned. You feel safe with them totaly, and are never afraid to bring something up because you love each other.
Happiness; when you look them in the eyes you can't help but smile.
These things and others are what being in-love involves. And because real love, real, bloody, tearful, exstatic and painful love involves these qualities that are so hard to find, how can you go to another when your heart is so full?
I'm in love with her. I couldn't fathom betraying that. She is all I need, all I want and then she gives me more. Why the fuck would I go looking somewhere else? There is not another lifeform that even comes close to my love, why would I want to share her with someone else? Why would I cheapen what we have?
So I don't understand how you can take away from what you have by bringing someone else into it. I can't share my heart, it belongs to only her, and I want it that way. So I don't see how someone can love many at onece. I don't see how people can be 'okay' with someone they care deeply about, watch them and know that they are in the arms of another. How can they know this and still be sane, still be alive.
Perhaps it's just me, perhaps I'm too passionate.
I've also noticed my seemingly split personality. I think it could be in corrilation to bi-polar, but I've noticed that despite how masculine I may be, I still want to be distinctly femine at times. I'll lifft heavy stuff, get dirty, spit, play sports and I'm comfortable. But sometimes I feel so smal. I just want to be held in her arms and feel safe and submit to her.
Anway......
People, people are everywhere. Killing, taking, raping, feeding and breeding. The state of this world, this country rather, is ridiculous in it's atrocious nature. What is this country, what is our culture like? I would say this: Blame, and complete lack of responsibilty.
This train of thought was spurred by my lovely working environment.
McDonald's was sued for someone spilling coffee on themselves. McDonald's is on trial because they are being sued by an overweight man because he is overweight.
The old woman:
She spilled coffee on herself and sued the company because she got burnt. Now, when one gets coffee, one assumes (unless otherwise stated i.e iced coffee) that it will be hot, had it not been, the customer would have been disatisfied. And because there weren't sirens blaring and people screaming "the coffee is hot" she made money off her lack of cammon sense.
The fat man:
He is obese. People like myself are obese because we choose to eat the wrong foods. Fatty foods, such as foods drenched in grease and sweets. But it is a CHOICE nonetheless to eat it. He sued the company because he is obese, claiming that he didn't know the food would cause weight gain.
Both circumstances are frightening to me. The fact that people can be so stupid, so without a basis knowledge of anything, it sends chills down my spine. But it goes back my original statement of America being a haven of blame. No one is willing to take responsibility of their own actions.
"I'm fat, it's your fault." "I hurt myself, it's your fault." "I murdered 30 people cuz my dad hit me." "I raped 16 young women because mommy didn't love me enough." "I beat my wife cuz dad drank a lot."
Blame, always so quick are we to point the finger, so quick to find a scapegaot, but it is always a choice.
Life is nothing more than choices. Life is made up of moments caused by choices. Subconsious, purposeful, strategic, hurried......choices.
Life is not how much money you have, how nice your stereo is, how many gold plated.......i dunno....penises you have in your master bedroom. Life is choices, and moments, not material. Fate and destiny I'll believe to a certain extent but only so far. I beleive that Kindra and I were supposed to meet but even that was a series of choices. Had I not initiated a meeting, had I not kept pursuing even after rejection, I wouldn't be the happiest I've ever been today.
Everything, no matter how seemingly trivial, is a choice. Even when it seems as though there isn't one, when one of your options is death, you still choose.
The glass is always half empty for me, or at least my cynical and pessimistic view of this shit heap we call America has ingrained it to be empty. But today I realized it's neith half full nor half empty. It' life. The line of the tween. Life isn't easy, it isn't simple. It bleeds, and it makes you soar, it beings you to your knees. But life is learning, and choosing.
It is we precious few, we beaten and broken band of buggered, that recognize the state of things and how it's all so raw and painful and wrong. But I am so lucky and grateful that I get to share this life with someone who understand. She makes the sky blue, she makes the cup full.
So to those of you that don't care and don't understand I say:
Carry on with your idiocyncratic routine of raping and maming the world around you. Of supposed blissful ignorance, of stupidity and blame. Refuse to learn and choose not to evolve. I suppose it's poetic that you're too incompetent to grasp the fact that your choice is of refusing to grow is the same as death.
Walk with me love, I want to watch the world die with you. Only you. Always you.
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shadowed_entity's journal
exhausted.
nostalgic.
devious.
blank.
anxious.
depressed.
determined.
poop.
meh.